Testosterone Feuled Beef Heads
by LilPotterfanfic
Summary: "Padfoot you're a genius!" James exclaimed, "We've got an open chaser spot because Steven graduated last year, we should recruit Evans!" "I was kidding mate!" "Still," James was bouncing in his seat now, "It was a great idea!" "It's a dangerous idea mate!" Lily and James are entering their sixth year at Hogwarts, and James tries to recruit Lily for the Quidditch team.
1. James Has Dangerous Ideas

Testosterone Feuled Bacon Heads

Chapter 1  
James Has Dangerous Ideas

The weather that September first was not unusual for late summer in England. Rainclouds that were not yet heavy enough to overflow mixed with the London smog to form an almost impenetrable grey sky. The sun continued to shine however; it's cheery yellow rays peeked around the edges of clouds, and shot out through cracks in the smog.

These same rays seemed to have a taste for Potters and Blacks. As 16 year old James, his 15 year old sister Leeanna, and their surrogate 16 year old brother Sirius hurried through the crowd on Platform 9 3/4, shafts of light persisted to follow them around, and bounce off of their matching, tousled black waves.

None of them seemed to care though. The only thing they were worried about was getting through the crowd of crying family members, and onto the Hogwarts Express.

James paused and whipped around, looking for his younger sister.

"Over here," Leeanna said, trying to shuffle around a particularly sweaty man.

"Come here you," Sirius said, grabbing her elbow and steering her through the crowd.

The red train whistled and smoke puffed from it's chimneys, while the three teenagers quickened their pace, reaching the steam engine just as it began to move.

"Jump, Prongs," Sirius shouted, as he and Leeanna did exactly that.

With a running leap, James joined his sister and his bestfriend, the three of them panting as the door slid shut behind them.

"Potter, Black, Potter. What are you three doing here?"

Three heads whipped around, and two pairs of hazel eyes and one pair of blue glared at the sight before them.

"Mulciber, Averey, Nott, Lestrange." Leeanna said, curtly nodding at the Slytherins as she nudged her two companions towards the door.

Sirius stood stock still though, his hand tightly gripping his wand, as Mulciber openly undressed Leeanna with his eyes.

"Her face is further up Mulciber," Sirius said tersley.

"Can we please not do this so early in the school year?" Leeanna groaned.

The boys ignored her, and Averey stepped forward leeringly.

"What Black," he mocked, "Don't like another boy looking at your favorite hoar?"

"What did you just call my sister?" James snarled.

"Say that again to my face," Leeanna said, turning away from the exit and drawing her wand.

"Ah," Lestrange sighed, "Now we see that idiotic Gryffindor pride."

"It's not pride you idiot," James said, "I simply don't take kindly to people calling my sister a hoar, particulary Slytherins."

"If she's not a slut then why is she always hagning around you and your lackeys, Potter?" Nott smirked, "What is it you call yourselves again? Oh yeah, the Marauders." He rolled his eyes and snickered, "I suppose you idiot Gryffindicks couldn't come up with a better name for yourselves."

"And I suppose you couldn't come up with a better insult than Gryffindick," Leeanna shot back.

"Look Potter," Mulciber drawled, waltzing over and slinging an arm around Leeanna, wich she cringed away from, "Let's be honest, you know what kind of girl you are. Why not just face the facts and share the love?" He waggled his eyebrows suggestively, "That is, if you know what I mean."

All of a sudden, there were shouts, bursts of light, a puff of smoke, and the sound of glass shattering.

When the dust had settled the three remaining Gryffindors surveyed the carnage.

Behind them, the compartment door had shattered, probably caused by the stunning spell one of the Slytherins had shot at them.

Mulciber was on the ground, nose twisted at an odd angle and leaking blood. Avery was tap dancing, thanks to the "Tanterangula" spell Leeanna had cast on him. Nott was petrified, and Lestrange seemed to be missing. In his stead was a black cat, standing on one of the seats and hissing.

With a wail it launched itself at James, who clamped his hands on it's stomach and attempted to pull it off. The tabby was lobbed through the air before landing with a "ca-thunk" on the luggage rack.

"Come on guys," Leeana muttered, shooting a dirty look at Mulciber whilst she dragged Sirius and James out of the compartment by the scruff of their knecks.

"Any injuries?" James asked, giving cursory glances at Sirius and Leeanna.

"My fist is a bit sore," Sirius said, rubbing the knuckle he had punched Mulciber with.

"Nothing but my pride," Leeanna sighed. "Thanks for standing up for me you two," she said gratefully, "As moronic as getting in a fight may have been, I really do appreciate it."

"It's no problem," Sirius said, setting off down the corridor, "Anything for my little Lee lee!"

"I told you not to call me that!" She grumbled.

"Let's go find Mooney and Wormtail," James said, "They're probably thinking we missed the train by now."

Lily Evans stared out the window at the quickly moving country side, hating herself for what she was thinking about.

She had told herself a million times that Sev wasn't worth her constant thoughts about him. He had called her a mudblood, and therefor had ended their friendship. After all the promises he had made to her that she was different, that she wasn't a mudblood, that he would never call her that, after all that, he had said the word. That one word that meant prejudice, hatred, blood supremacy, that meant Death Eater. And he had said it.

Lily had tried her hardest not to think about him. She had sworn that she wouldn't think about how he would have comforted her when Petunia was mean, or how he would have loved coming over to her house for her mother's rose tea. She wouldn't think about how he might have laughed at her for still going to the playground, but still would have pushed her on the swings any way. She tried not to think about him whenever she saw a broken twig lying on the forest floor, about how she had imagined sparks trailing from the end of one every time he told her about magic. She had tried and tried and tried.

But it was all for not.

He cropped up in her mind everwhere. To Lily, summer just wasn't summer without Sev's constant presence.

Another thing that wasn't the same without him was the Hogwarts Express.

For the past five years Lily and Sev had always sat on the train together. They had certain traditions that were mandatory to follow.

Alice Prewitt, Frank Longbottom, and Mary Macdonald were doing their best to follow the traditions, but it just wasn't the same. There were little differences that made the experience so unlike being with Severus Snape.

First there was Mary. She put her trunk in the completely wrong position, as trivial as it may seem to some people, it was very important to Lily. Sev had always set his trunk in the middle of the compartment, so the two could use it as a table. There was something about having your legs pulled up on your seat to avoid being squashed that just screamed "school has started!"

Then there was Alice. She just didn't read her books the right way. Every year, without fail, Lily and Severus would read their new text books for the first fifteen minutes of the train ride. Severus would always make these humming sounds, and he kept his quill and ink on the trunk-table, so he could scratch notes all over his books about what the best way to perform a charm was, or how he could make a certain potion better. Alice just read her books silently, and she couldn't put her quill and ink on the trunk-table, because there wasn't one.

Last was Frank, he treated his candy entirely incorrectly. Severus would take his licorice wands and peel individual strands of the licorice off, then challenge Lily to see who could peel off the bigger strand without breaking it. After he won, he would wrap the strand around a piece of Drooble's best blowing gum, and blow big pink bubbles that danced around the compartment with red swirls spinning around inside them. Frank didn't even like Licorice wands, he just popped Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean after Bertie Bott's Every Flavored Bean into his mouth.

Lily really should have been enjoying herself, it was obvious what a big effort her friends were making for her, but she just couldn't have fun on the Hogwarts Express without Sev.

And she hated herself for it.

Lily was almost glad when James Potter and his friends burst into the compartment. Almost.

"How's my Lily doing?" James sang as he slid onto the seat next to Lily and wrapped an arm around her.

"Gerroff me!" She said, shoving him away and sneezing.

"Why?" he said, refusing to budge, "Is it too difficult for you to pretend like you're not attracted to me when I'm this close to you?"

"No," she sneezed again, "I'm allergic to cat fur," more sneezes, "And your shirt is covered in it!"

"Enough with the fake sneezes sweet heart," James smirked, "I know a faker when I see one!"

"I'm not faking," she wheezed, her eyes beginning to water, "I'm really allergic to cats!"

"I'll move when you say you'll go out with me!" James singsonged.

"Potter!" She yelled, tossing a Pumpking Pasty at him, "Move!"

James hightailed it out of there, trying to avoid the onslaught of Pumpkin Pasties being thrown at him.

"Better," she said, the red in her eyes beginning to lessen.

James Potter returned soon after however, almost as if he was intent on annoying Lily. Wich, she reminded herself, he probably was.

"And then," he bragged, going on about some stunt she hadn't even been paying attention to, "Leeanna hit a bludger at me so hard that-"

Lily's eye began to twitch as she realized her constant, pointed look at her novel weren't getting across to James.

"Potter," she said in an annoyed voice, "Do I look like I care about your stupid story?"

"No bu-"

"THEN GO!" She shouted, throwing more pumpkin pasties at him as he ran off again.

The next James got something thrown at him, wasn't really his fault. He had simply stuck his head into Evans's compartment, hoping she wasn't as irritable as she had been. Unfortunately for him, Evans had been changing at the moment, and he had accidently seen her in her rather skimpy, lacy purple underwear.

"Potter!" Evans shouted from inside the compartment as James dashed outside, where Remus was waiting.

"How did it go?" The were wolf asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Wonderfully," James said sarcastically, wiping the orange cream from the pumpkin pasty Evans had thrown at him off of his face.

By the time the Hogwarts Express arrived at Hogsmeade, it was twilight, and the clouds had finally burst. Rain was coming down in torrents, and Sirius felt amazingly sorry for the first years who would be boating to the castle.

Sirius pulled the hood of his cloak up, and smirked at Leeanna who had done the same. "Thank Merlin, Dumbledore didn't spring for the carriages with sunroofs!" He shouted over the pounding of the rain.

She rolled her eyes at his joke, but Sirius could see a glimmer of a smile from the shadow of her hood.

James, Remus, and Peter tramped along behind them as they slowly made their way to the line of horse-less carriages on the road.

Not for the first time, Sirius found himself cursing his classmates for the rate at wich they walked.

"Open carriage!" James screamed, making a mad dash for the singular vehicle that the other students were jockying for.

In his rush, James had accidentally ran into Evans, knocking her book into a puddle.

"Sorry Evans I didn't see you-"

"Potter!" She yelled, eyes ablaze.

It was at that moment that Sirius realized what a scary thing a woman can be. He was amazed at the lack of respect the male population gave to them when they were mad. Lily's eyes burned with a hellish fire, and she straightened herself up to her full five and a half feet. With the rain, Hogwarts in the background, her flowing red hair, and the scowl on her face, Lily could have passed for Morgana, as scary as she looked.

James was right to be scared.

Sirius, Leeanna, Remus and Peter, all herded James into the empty carriage. He looked absolutely pitifull, wich was not something people usually used to describe James.

His black hair was matted to his face, glasses askew, various red marks were starting to develop all over his body, from where Evans had thrown various things at him. He shook with either fear or cold from the rain, probably both. Yes, Evans was indeed a force to be reckoned with.

"Blimey, " Sirius shook his head, "We should recruit Evans to play chaser. With the aim she's got the House Cup would be in the bag."

Sirius realized his mistake the second James sat up.

"Padfoot you're a genius!" James exclaimed, "We've got an open chaser spot because Steven graduated last year, we should recruit Evans!"

"I was kidding mate!"

"Still," James was bouncing in his seat now, "It was a great idea!"

"It's a dangerous idea mate!"


	2. Sirius Has Thoughts He Shouldn't

**Testosterone Feuled Beef Heads  
Chapter 2: **Sirius Has Thoughts He Shouldn't Be Having  
_Lily  
_**Sirius**

"Prongs, you're an idiot."

The Marauders were sitting around the Gryffindor table eating breakfast on the first day of the term. Rain pounded on the roof, and had Sirius been a first year he might have feared the rain would get him wet because of the enchanted ceiling.

James rolled his eyes, "You have to admit, Moony, she's got great aim."

Sirius snickered t James's fruitless arguement with Remus while he surveyed the Great Hall for Leeanna. He knew the girl liked sleep, and Merlin- it must take her an hour to get ready each morning with how gorgeous she was- but this was ridiculous! If she didn't hurry up, Peter would eat all the bacon.

He relaxed when he saw Leeanna's familiar, glossy, black waves enter the Hall, but tensed up again when he saw the way half the boys in the Hall were looking at her. Sirius growled under his breath, and was a little astonished at his reaction.

Before that summer, he wouldn't have cared. But that was before they'd had that conversation...

"Who's got great aim?" Leeanna asked, sliding onto the bench across from Sirius.

"Evans," Remus said, still not looking up from his N.E.W.T level Defense Against the Dark Arts textbook.

"Prongs wants us to recruit her for the Quidditch team," Sirius said.

Leeanna turned to James, "James, you're an idiot."

"That's what I said," Remus told her, sliding her a peice of toast.

James scoffed, "I'm not an idiot you two, Evans would make a great chaser!"

"He's find of got a point," Peter offered, "She's got great aim, we've all seen it whenever she throws something at Prongs."

Sirius crunched on a strip of bacon as he mulled it over in his head.

Evans did throw things at James a lot, and hit him in either the face or the bullocks 99% of the time. He supposed she had great aim, and a wicked throwing arm. He knew that from experience. The time Evans had thrown _Hogwarts a History _at him, he'd been sore for a month afterwards. The only thing was, Sirius had never seen her on a broomstick before. But he figured she was probably pretty good, she was a witch after all.

"Allright, Prongs," he said slowly, "I'll help you, but if this turns out to be another half baked scheme of yours to shag Evans, I'll beat the living day lights out of you!"

James smiled at his best mate, then turned to look expectantly at his sister and his two other friends.

Peter nodded excitedly, eager to be a part of the scheme. Remus and Leeanna were a little more skeptic. Leeanna buttered her toast and took a bite out of the slice thoughtfully.

"Okay," she said finally, "I'll help you, I geuss I can see your point. Lily would be a pretty good chaser."

Remus closed the cover of his textbook before giving his answer, "If everyone else is going along with it, I geuss I have to as well."

James gave a rougish grin and crunched into an apple.

"Great," he said happily, "I've all ready got a plan."

Sirius exchanged a worried glance with Leeanna. They were both thinking the same thing, if James was the one who had come up with a plan, it could only end badly.

0ooo0

"Good morning Lily, do you mind if I sit next to you? All the other desks are full."

Lily smiled up at Remus and slid her bag off the empty seat next to her and onto the ground.

"Sure," she said.

"Thanks." Remus took the seat and pulled his N.E.W.T. level Charms textbook out of his bag. Behind him he could feel James and Sirius burning holes into the back of his neck with their eyes. He turned around and glared at them.

James narrowed his eyes and made the hurry up motion in the air with his hand. Remus sighed exasperatedly and turned back to Lily.

"So Lily," he said, trying to sound casual, "Are you excited for this year's Quidditch season to start?"

Lily gave him a confused look before replying. "I geuss so, I mean, no offense to you or anything, you're a great commentator and everything, but I don't really focus on the tournament all that much."

She turned away and Remus looked behind him at James and Sirius.

"Keep the conversation going!" James mouthed.

"How?" Remus mouthed back.

"Bring up the open chaser spot." Sirius suggested.

Remus nodded and swivelled back around to Lily.

"That's fine," he said, "I suppose I can relate to you. I was just wondering, because the Gryffindor team has an open chaser position, and James is trying to spread the word."

She looked suspiciously at him, "Allright then, I hope they find a chaser."

Remus shrugged at James and Sirius. What had they expected him to do anyways, put an imperius curse on the girl?

0ooo0

James sighed and muttered incoherently under his breath as he attempted to make a teacup do cartwheels across the desk.

"Enough with the sighing," Sirius hissed, "You're starting to sound like one of those girls who always stares at us lustily in Herbology!"

James blinked once or twice and shuddered. Even though they had never touched him, the way some of those girls looked at him made him feel dirty.

"Sorry, Padfoot," James said, "I'm just disappointed because Moony couldn't even hint that Evans should try out for the team."

Sirius groaned and plunked down in his seat next to James.

"Look mate," he said, "We've still got until October to convince her to join the team, the world won't end if we don't get her to try out by the end of the day."

James nodded, "You're right," he said, "But I still think we should continue on the plan."

James stared at Sirius hopefully. "Fine," Sirius finally said, "I'll continue to go along with your stupid plan..."

0ooo0

Sirius walked into his N.E.W.T level potions class, and was immediatley assaulted by an onslaught of delicious smells.

The air scented of chocolate chip cookies, Honeydukes candy and butter beer. Of bludgers, broomstick polish and pistachio icecream cones on a hot summer day. Of the furniture polish the two of them had spread on James's surf board so he would slip and fall. Of salt with the slightest hint of sugar.

Sirius shook his head to clear it from thoughts of a certain forbidden raven-haired fruit, and proceeded to walk further into the dungeon. He looked over at James, who nodded subtley at him, and took a seat at the last empty desk.

Remus came trotting into the room and took a seat next to James, at the seat infront of Sirius.

Sirius leaned forward. "Remus," he asked, "Did you do it?"

Remus looked around swiftly to make sure they weren't being over heard, and nodded to James and Sirius.

"How did you do it?" James whispered as Slughorn bustled into the classroom.

"I split her skirt," Remus blushed, ashamed.

"YOU DID WHAT?!" James whisper shouted.

"Don't freak out!" Remus said hastily, "I made sure to do it when there weren't any blokes around, and I swear I didn't look at her knickers!"

James glared at Remus, "You better not have. Remember, Moony, Evans is mine!"

Remus held his hands up in a mock gesture of defeat, and the three boys returned their attention to the front of the classroom where Slughorn was informing them on the topic of amorentia.

"Amortentia doesn't create actual love, of course. That's impossible. But it does cause a powerful infatuation or obsession. For that reason, it is probably the most dangerous potion in this room." Slughorn was saying.

There was a bang, and the entire class turned as a blushing Lily Evans rushed into the dungeon.

"Sorry," she said, "I had an... accident, I'm truly sorry that I'm late Proffesor."

Slughorn nodded and beamed at his favorite student. "It's perfectly allright Ms. Evans, please just take your seat."

Evans nodded and looked around the dungeon for an empty seat.

Sirius grinned cheekily at her and patted the empty seat next to him. Evans bit her lip and searched anxiousley for another open seat. But the Marauders had been expecting this. They ahd made especially sure that Evans would be the last person to come to class, and that the only open seat would be next to Sirius.

Evans sighed and sat down next to Sirius, as far away from him as the desk would allow.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Relax Evans, I'm not going to bite."

Evans looked skeptical, but she seemed to trust Sirius enough to let her gaurd down, because she turned her attention back to Slughorn.

Sirius pretended to be paying attention to Slughorn, but really, he was mulling over the situation in his head. Suddenly, it came to him.

He pulled out a quill and a piece of parchment, and pretended to be taking notes like Evans was.

**Hey, Evans. -S**

He slid the piece of parchment over to the other side of the desk, onto Evans's Potions Book. Evans looked at it, confusion clouding her fce momentarily. Then she unfolded it and read what it said. She turned and glared at him, but none the less, she scribbled a reply and slid it back over to him forcibly.

Sirius read it with a smirk on his face, Evans had taken the bait.

_Black, leave me alone. Unlike you, I don't make it my life's mission to spend every evening in detention with Filch. -L_

**No, I'm bored, and I want someone to talk to. -S**

_Then go bother Potter or Remus! -L_

**Nooooo! -S**

_Why the Godric not?! -L_

**Becauuusee, I'm tired of talking to no one but them, I've never exchanged notes with you before! -S**

_Well stop bloody trying to start! -L_

**Noooooooo! -S**

_Enough with the multiple repititions of the same vowel! And quit smirking! -L_

**Okay, I'll stop acting like a simpering girl. -S**

_Good, you're back to your usual idiotic self. Now leave me alone! -L_

**No -S**

_Fine, if you won't leave me alone, then I'll just ignore you. -L_

**Then I'll just keep sending you notes. -S**

**Ignoring me, huh? -S**

**Whatever. -S**

**Hey, Evans, how good are you on a broomstick? -S**

_I don't know, I've never tried before. -L_

**I thought you were ignoring me. -S**

_You got really got annoying, plus I'm bored. -L_

**Aaaah, so, did you allready read everything there is to read about amorentia? -S**

_Yes __No! -L_

**Whatever, Evans. Anyway, so you've never been on a broomstick before? -S**

_No -L_

**But, weren't you at our flying lesson in first year? -S**

_No, two pig headed gits had given me reindeer antlers the day before, so I was in the hospital wing you idiot. -L_

**Ooh, now I remember... I bet you'd be good on a broom stick though. -S**

_Of course you remember... Wait, that was a sexual innuendo! -L_

**No it wasn't! -S**

_Yes it was, you PERVERT! -L_

**I'm not a pervert! -S**

_Yes you are! You've bedded every girl in our year, and your currently trying to bed your best friends little sister! You sicko! -L_

**I'm not trying to bed Leeanna! -S**

_Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, Black! -L_

**But I'm not! -S**

_Quit sending me notes, pervert! -L_

Sirius shrugged and Evans scooted her chair even further from Sirius's. It seemed their correspondence was over.


End file.
